To Thine Own Self Be Awesome

Warning: To those who usually come to the House looking for laughter and frivolity, today’s post might not be for you. This might be full of introspection, deep thought, and pondering. Read at your own risk.

Ah, the deeper questions of life:
“Who am I?”
“How do others view me?”
“What do my friends think of me?”
“What defines me?”
“What am I living for?”

I’ve been going through a lot of these (and other questions) lately, mulling them over, whilst wrestling with God about where my life is going. The ever-insightful Nathan Rouse recently posted some thoughts along these lines and that’s what has spurred me on (in part) to share some of what I’ve been going through…if only for the sake of dialogue.

I’ve been begging God over the past few months for clarity, vision, and direction, both for me and for my life with April. We’ve been discussing everything from missions to freelancing fulltime. We’ve fasted and prayed, and are continuing to do so. Honestly, I’m worn out, but I’m not letting go until I get a clear answer about where He’s leading us next.

At any rate, all of this has lead me to personal reflections along the lines of Nathan’s. I’ve started wondering what my life is being lived for…what defines my existence. And I’m not really sure. I use humor and hyperbolic speech a lot to both amuse and sometimes shock people (and myself) into deeper thought. I am at heart an artist, but I find myself incredibly frustrated at the constraints on my output (time, laziness, technological hurdles, etc). My dreams fight relentlessly against my distractions. My distractions are often the fuel of the fires of my dreams. It’s a weird cycle.

Then there’s my relationships with others. I long to have solid and deep friendships…yet I am also fiercely independent. I have a tendency towards anarchy, wanting to contradict whatever I perceive as being widely accepted and embraced. I realized yesterday that, to a certain extent, I don’t give a damn what people think of me. Which is to say, I do care if it means that someone might be hindered from encountering Jesus through my actions…yet I don’t care because I know that God is bigger than my countless failings. And yet, I am the tool for His using, the pot for His shaping. How does that jive with who I am?

At root, I want my life to matter. I don’t care to conquer the world, but I do want to change hearts. I want to inspire others in the same way that John Williams, Mark Salomon, Dave Grohl, George Lucas, Carl Sandberg, George Gershwin, Quincy Jones, William Blake, Chuck Palahniuk, and countless others have inspired me. I want to love, sacrifice, and bleed the way that April, Mom, Dad, Mom G, Martha, Andrew McKain, Eric Moore, Richard Harrell, and others have loved me. The fire in my bones needs to burn brighter. My immolation will be my completion.